Family Fortress
by Sampsoon
Summary: After an accident with his computer Peter, Chris and the rest of the Family Guy crew are sucked into the world of Team Fortress.
1. Prolouge

**Family Fortress!**

Chris was up again late at night. He was staring at the glowing screen in front of him, practically searing his eyes off. Lois heard some of the sound effects and opened the door to his room. "Chris,

what the hell are you doing up so late?" she asked. Chris replied back, "Mom, I'm playing Team Fortress! And- Oh come on! You made me drop the Intelligence!" Then Peter walks in the room.

"What is going on here!" he shouted. "Your son here is playing video games up at night!" Lois said. Peter was about to say something, but then heard(And saw) the Demoman say,

"KABOOOOOOM!" and ran to the computer excitedly. He was shouting, "What is this magic? What is it?" Then Quagmire, Joe, Cleveland, Stewie, Brian, and Meg walked into the room. They were

all shouting and talking at once, making Peter back up into the computer. Chris yelled, "Dad! What the heck are you doing?" Before he could reply, the computer said, "Crash detected. Using

secondary measures." Stewie said, "What the-" and was cut off by a blinding flash of light. After it was gone, everybody in the room was gone.

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><p><strong>AN: Hey guys and girls! If you are reading this now, and wondering why its so short, it's because I'm new to the site. (Come on, it's my first story.) In the next chapter you will find all the crew. At teufort. Oh, and they each are their own classes! Yay! I also hope the next one will be longer! PACE!**


	2. Chapter 1: Ya bleedin' gravy, fatso!

**Family Fortress! Again!**

_At teufort…_

Red base was empty until a flash of light appeared and the crew fell out. "Mission begins in sixty seconds," said the Administrator. The crew got up, still dazed. Everybody had the gear of the nine classes. Joe was the Soldier (who could walk), Lois the Medic, Meg the Pyro, Peter the Heavy, Cleveland the Demoman, Quagmire the Sniper (Who was using his scope to look at Lois's "assets"), Stewie the Spy, Brian the Engineer, and Chris the Scout. They all got up and groaned. Meg said, "Mmmmffhhhmmmfhhmmmfhh!" and Peter replied, "Huh?"

"MMmmMmMMmffffHH!"

Peter was chuckling now. "Eh?"

"MMMMfffffffffffhu!"

"Hmm?"

"MMMMMMMMMMFFFF!"

Lois then shouted, "Meg, shut up, you are distracting your dad!"

"Mmmmmffh…" was Meg's reply, with Peter laughing in the background.

The same lady's voice came over the speaker. "Match begins in thirty seconds." Joe said, "Well, since this is Chris's game, then let's ask him on a few pointers."

"Well, Chris, what should we do?" Brian asked.

Chris's reply was, "I looked at their roster, and they all seem to be Snipers and Engineers, so just stay inside for some of the match while we plan out."

"Ten seconds remaining" Said the Administrator.

"Oh yeah, and don't worry about dying, you'll respawn!" Chris shouted.

The countdown was almost over. "Five, Four, Three, Two, One!" Came the raspy voice of the Administrator.

Then the doors opened… and Peter ran out. Almost immediately after he was killed by a sniper headshot. Almost instantly, they saw Peter run out again, only to be sniped again. And again. And again. And again. All of a sudden the team's eyes focused on the Sniper who killed Peter, as the guy said, "I just bagged the world's fattest man!" Chris started rolling on the ground, laughing his ass off. "Dad, that's so embarrassing! You just got dominated!" Chris spurted out during his laughter. After Chris's outburst, he looked around, tears in his eyes, and realized something. "WHERE'S CLEVELAND!" Chris shouted at the top of his lungs. "Hey guys, you won't believe what I found!" Cleveland shouted distantly. The team members rushed to Cleveland's place, up on the Sniper's tower. He was pointing at a couple of crates, filled with many weapons for some of the classes. "And look! There's a crate full of beer!" Cleveland said, and jumped inside the crate. Suddenly Red's soldier blasted the wall down (Forget Tf2 physics for this part) with Cleveland in the crate. Cleveland slowly tilted over the side of the tower, yelling "Oh, no! No! No! No!" as he fell to his death. Stewie then remarked, "Well, that was like Déjà vu." "Yeah, feels very familiar…" drifted Peter. Then the administrator yelled, "The enemy has taken our intelligence!" Then an enemy Scout jumped over the entire team, intelligence on his back. The scout went under the bridge, and swam to the intelligence room. "You failed! The enemy has captured our intelligence!" The Administrator said. Suddenly a yellow, glowing jar flew up and hit Stewie smack in the face, pouring its contents on him. "What is this… sticky juice that is covering me?" Chris replied very sternly, "Umm, Stewie, that ain't juice." Then Stewie started rolling on the floor, screaming and trying to get the Jarate off his body. Unfortunately, he rolled right off the edge of the balcony and landed splat on his head. A text read, "Stewie has fallen to a clumsy, painful death." Lois wasn't even shocked by this. In fact, when Stewie walked back to the balcony, Lois said to him, "Stewie, you know Stop, Drop and Roll only is for fire, not pee!"

Stewie didn't say anything, as he knew his mom couldn't understand what he said. So he thought, _Inconsiderate bitch…_

Chirs then said, "Wait a second, if the Sniper's there, and the scout's there, then where is the rest of-" He couldn't finish the sentence. A bunch of decloaked spies were standing right behind each person. A bunch of screams were heard, followed by another, "You failed! The enemy has captured our intelligence!" Chris was ready to rage quit now, but he stopped and shouted "Ok, if we are gonna pull off this win and get out of here, we need a plan!" Everyone was looking at him, game faces on. (Well, Quagmire had some other face on, but let's not get into that) "Ok then, first we gotta…" Chris started.

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><p>OK! Sorry for the realllllllllllllllly long update, but well, Minecraft, Left 4 Dead 2, Tf2, Portal 2, and other games (Plus school got in my way) had me distracted. Anyhoo, Leave a review and leave a suggestion 4 (See what I did there?) chapter 5 or 6! Like a game mode or a certain map! Anyway... ! Peace off! BOOP! (Lol, JK)<p>

All credit to Valve, Fox, and Tobuscus are owned to themselves.


	3. Chapter 2: The EpicChickenFight Round 3

**Family Fortress! Again! Again!**

"And that is the plan!" Chris finished as the Administrator yelled, "The enemy has taken our intelligence!" "You didn't say anything!" Brian said. "Hold on!" Chris said as he walked out holding the Flying Guillotine. Seconds later, The Administrator yelled, "The enemy has dropped our intelligence!" Chris then actually formulated an actual plan without me interrupting him.

_ONE MINUTE LATER…_

Everyone was set. Brian was with Meg at the Intelligence room. Stewie was hiding in the sewers below Blu Base. Lois was charging her Uber for Peter (Who was wearing the Dovahkin Helmet.) Quagmire was near the entryway to the Balcony area, and Cleveland set up Stickybombs at the doorways and exits. Joe and Chris were both at the front entryways to their Base. "Everyone ready?!" Chris called out, getting 7 Yeps from the rest of the crew. "Dad?" Chris said. "Hold on Chris, your father's having trouble going out there and killing everyone!" Lois replied

"Well, doesn't he punch people all the time?"

"Yes, but really never likes killing. Usually!"

"Well, tell him to look at the enemies as something he hates!"

Silence.

"Okay!" Thanks Chris!"

_At Lois's and Peter's Position… (Giggity Giggity Goo!) (Shut up Glenn)_

"All you have to do is pretend they're something or someone you really hate!" Lois told Peter. Peter thought about it and closed his eyes. He saw each of the Blu classes, but there was something different about them. It was… THAT DAMNED CHICKEN! "EEEEEEEEEYAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!" He cried as he started running outside. Luckily Lois was able to catch up to him, since he was so slow. As Lois and Peter were going outside, Stewie made his way toward the Intel room. Joe went to the sewers to clear out any unwanted enemies. Chris Force-A-Nature'd up to the balcony, hitting the two Snipers and another Scout with the Boston Basher. Peter… Well let's start that shall we?

Peter, running out of the room, he used the Iron Curtain to clear the Balcony. Realizing he ran out of ammo, he switched to his fists. He was slowly making his way into the wall instead of the entryways. "Peter! You're gonna hit the wall!" Lois panicked. Peter ignored this, and promptly punching through the wall, gibbing a Demoman's head off.

Walking in the base to the staircase, a Sniper with a Huntsman walked up. Confident, the Sniper fired the shot at Peter's knee. Peter uppercutted the face off the Sniper, and ripped out the arrow, before promptly falling to the floor in pain. He dramatically said "SSSSSSSSS… AAAAAAAAAAHHHHH! SSSSSSSSSS… AAAAAAAHHHH! SSSSSSSSSSS…AAAAAAAAAAHHHHH! SSSSSSSSSSSSSS…AAAAAHHHHHHH!

SSSSSSSSSSSSSS…AAAAAHHHHHHH!

SSSSSSSSSSSS…AAAAAAAAAHHHHH!

SSSSSSSSSSSSS-"

"SHUTUPPETERI'MAMEDICICANHEALYOUNOWQUITYOU RWHININGBEFOREIWHACKYOUWITHT HISNEEDLE!" Lois calmly stated. Peter then got up like nothing ever happened and went up the stairs. He had a dual Showdown equipped, and blasted an Engineer, his Sentry, and an unlucky Spy who just happened to be cloaked in the exact spot Peter fired, a bird somehow, and one shot missed to the point where it went right out of the computer screen, deflected off of many reflective sufaces, travelled to Hollywood, and killed James Woods while he was eating at a restaurant. Peter picked up the Sentry, still with its two gatling guns, and used that as a weapon. He cleared out a whole bunch of Pyros and Spies with the Blu sentry. Very soon Peter ran out of ammo, and he switched back to his fists. He then saw many more Heavies and Spies and Pyros. He got a sudden urge inside him, and yelled, "FUS-RO-DAH!" and it set fire to every class around him, and it killed them all by breaking their necks against the wall. One Pyro remained, and had a Phlosginator at the ready. Peter did not know what to do, for he was out of energy.

Then the Pyro tried reaching his back, and he fell to the floor, dead. Stewie brushed off his blood-coated Your Eternal Reward, and tossed the Intelligence to Peter. "Here you go, Fat Man. You really need it." Peter picked it up, and took it back to base. But something was waiting for him.

As soon as he dropped the Intelligence down, the actual Ernie the Chicken stepped out of the shadows. Peter spit at he ground in front of Ernie. "Let's have a go at it." He said, and then tackled Ernie to the ground. Ernie and Peter were rolling around punching each other in the face. Peter got the desk lamp, and beat Ernie's head with it. Ernie grabbed Stewie's Your Eternal Reward and repeatedly stabbed Peter's face with it. Peter reversed the direction of the blade and could've stabbed Ernie's neck with it, but Ernie blocked the blade. Peter got the Intelligence Briefcase, opened it, and opened and closed it on Ernie's head. Ernie's Brain slowly poured out from hi head, and he fell limp on the floor. Peter sighed, dropped the Intel, and then walked up the stairs to the surface where he could get some air.. He then was tackled to the ground from behind, and Ernie was on top of him, punching him many times before Peter pulled out the Family Business and pointed it at Ernie's face. Ernie pulled out an invisibly watching Stewie and put it front of him when Peter fired the shot. Stewie's face was gone, and Peter kept on firing the shotgun at Ernie, while Ernie grabbed the shotgun, pulled it up, and head butted Peter. Stumbling back, Peter fell on the floor, as Ernie jumped up, trying to crush his face with his chicken feet. Peter rolled out of the way just in time, and Ernie was stuck in the floor. Peter punched Ernie enough times so that Ernie got unlodged from the floor and uppercutted Peter to the next floor in RED base.

Stewie walked out of the respawn room, to only be stepped on by Peter. A crazy looking soldier walked up to them, and very viciously said, "I am Painis Cupcake. I am going to-" and was cut off when Peter grabbed and threw Ernie toward Painis Cupcake. Ernie broke through the wall, both Painis and Ernie falling to the floor in front of the bridge connecting the bases. Luckily, Painis's body broke the shock for Ernie, so this fight scene can go on. Peter got a Postal Pummeler and swiped it across Ernie's face multiple times across the bridge. As they were crossing, dozens of snipers tried headshotting the two, but to no avail. To make matters worse they were probably moving at about a tenth of a mile an hour. Peter dropped the Postal Pummeler and said "Enough of this crap! This ends now!" Ernie squawked in agreement. Ernie grabbed Peter and threw him straight into the river, and dove after him. At the bottom of the river area, they punched each other's faces to get the air out of them. Peter went up for air, but Ernie grabbed his foot and pulled Peter down again. An idiotic F2P Pyro tried to set fire to (the rain) Peter and Ernie. Peter grabbed an Austrailum trophy and strted bashing Ernie's face off. Ernie suddenly transformed into a gold-like statue. Peter left the area, and went to the respawn room. Archimedes suddenly pecks Ernie's statue multiple times. The statue cracks, and Ernie is free once again.

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><p><strong>THIS IS A PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT! BY NOBODY OFFICIAL! Ok guys, this chapter is so long because mah school starts MondayTuesday, and yeah. So don't expect any chapters soon. Like I ever posted them early before. Anyway, leave a review, fav, like, and do whatever you want. (And for the ladies leave your number, I'll call you up, Giggety Gigget-) *LOUD GUNSHOT* Okay, now that Quagmire's been taken care of, go on with your life.**


	4. Chapter 3: Crippletron (And my return)

**FAMILY FORTRESS! AGAIN! AGAIN! AGAIN!**

Joe was happily walking around. He was glad to have his legs back. He didn't mind mindlessly killing people, he was glad to walk again. He turned a corner in BLU base, and was too late when a beep and explosion sounded. The force of 10 stickybombs launched him against the wall upside down. He slowly slid down, obviously in pain. He pushed himself up with his hands… and fell because he was handicapped. "GODAMMIT, WHAT WAS THAT FOR!?" Joe yelled at the guilty-looking Demoman. "I HAD JUST STARTED WALKING AGAIN, AND NOW I'M CRIPPLED! GOD! DO YOU PEOPLE HAVE ANY HEARTS?! NOOOOO, JUST SIT THERE LOOKING IN SHAME! I NEED HELP! GOD!" Joe said, starting to cry. The Demoman slowly inched out of the room. Joe said between sobs, "I have a wife and kids! Why does this always happen to me? WHYYYYYYYYYY-" and was cut off when a Sniper finished him off.

Brian, Peter, and Quaqmire were hanging out at spawn when Joe spawned in. They looked at him, and he fell on the ground. "Oh my God, Joe are you alright?" Brian asked. Joe responded with a groan. "My… legs…" Joe started before he fell on his face again. The crew all bowed their heads in sorrow. Peter then said, "Hey guys! I got a joke that can cheer us up!" Joe looked up slightly. "What… is it?" He muttered.

"Remember the cop who was in an accident?" When no one answered, he said, "Well the cop never walked again!" Suddenly Joe had an idea. He suddenly hopped into his wheelchair. (Yes. Hopped. The kind where you use your legs.) Joe wheeled out of the respawn, with everyone following. He went over the bridge, and saw the Demo. The Demoman was grinning very wickedly, seemingly mocking him with his facial expression. Joe shouted up to him, "You better come down here and fight me like a man! Or else!" The Demo said back, "Laddie I'm all the way on top of this balcony! And you're like a tiny ant down there! HAHAHA!" Joe just got an angrier look on his face and said, "MEN! FORM CRIPPLETRON!"

Out of nowhere, crippled men in wheelchairs started wheeling over the fence and mashing up into one big figure. Joe wheeled over to the top, and formed the "head." The Demo's facial expression turned from cockiness to fear. He turned and tried to run, but Crippletron grabbed him first. The Demo struggled to get out, but to no avail. Pulling him to Crippletron's face, Joe said, "Any last words?" The Demoman only smiled, then said in a rather creepy tone, "Ka-boom." as he activated stickies around the mecha's feet. The resulting explosion tore Crippletron's feet completely off, sending some crippled men everywhere. Joe was not sent into a panic though. The Demoman walked through the carnage, his Eyelander in hand. He raised it up, chuckling a little bit, before bringing it down. Joe barely dodged it and rolled over. He slammed his crippled legs into the Demoman, temporarily stunning him. Joe looked inside his inventory, looking for something to use. "No… no… no… AAH! Why can't there be anything inside this?! Joe said, in despair. He then saw something. It was a mailman's bag. He then said, "Hey you!" The Demo, looking pissed, said, "What, lad?" Joe replied, "You still need to finish your rounds." Then threw the bag over the Demo's only good eye. The Demo said, "What, a mailbag? Ha, you'll need more than that to stop me!" But then a noise was heard from the distance. At first it was faint, but then it grew steadily. "ROOROOOROOOROROOROROROOOOROROOOROO!" Brian shrieked as he bounded toward the Demo. The Demo looked in fear as Brian jumped on him. Joe said, "Thanks, Brian." before passing out. Brian only tore out the Demo's kidneys as Joe watched in admiration.

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><p>An: Guess who's back. Back again. Rayden's back. Tell your mom. Guess who's back. It's batman. Oh shit no. Please don't please. Ow that hurt. My geni's. Banana.

Lol Jk! But hey, it's been over three wee- one year! That is crazy! This just tells you how non-procrastinative of me I am with Minecraft and every onther game in existence! But anyway, leave a review, or I'll kill you! No lie! Seriously! (He's actually going to rape you... so...) SHUT UP QUAGMIRE I KILLED YOU AND I'LL DO IT AGAIN! (Jesus ok...)


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